just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
