I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
