if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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