Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
two words: eviction party
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
