just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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