The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
