fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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