Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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