New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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