I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
