cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
