he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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