my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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