Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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