life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
