Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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