I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can I color on your dick again?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
