"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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