too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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