Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
