we have officially lost it.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
