highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
