no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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