Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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