first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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