my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
