You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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