She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
