We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
