ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
