he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
