I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
