Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
