Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
