You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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