So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
