i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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