last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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