I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
