dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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