Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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