I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
