Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've blown a few things in my day
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We left the knife in your bed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
