oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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