Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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