haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
