The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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