I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
