AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
