he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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