Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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